For our documentary film account of their private love life,

Mr. and Mrs. Pinchwife were interviewed separately and without

knowledge of the other's participation.

Here are their responses, as dictated directly, recorded faithfully,

and reproduced here fully and unabridged:

Mr. Cecil Ambrose Augustus Pinchwife

Mr. Pinchwife, sir, would you please tell us a little about yourself?

"Why? That you might know my whereabouts, prowl my estate, discover my witless dame's chamber, pounce upon her, strip her of her innocence, and violate her while I am not present to defend mine holy honor? Damned rogues! Monstrous perverts!"

What are some of your "likes"?

"Likes? As in, things I tolerate? Well, let me see. I tolerate my wife's foolishness, but I don't 'like' it per se. Let me think.... Ah! I both like and tolerate the bat which has made dwelling in the protected, pristine darkness of my wife's locked chamber. He silently keeps watch on her, spying faithfully at my behest, and reporting to me on her whereabouts and activities. And you? Do you own a bat?"

And your dislikes?

"The lascivious ghouls, beastly scallywags, and corrupt fiends known otherwise as the people of London. Lecherous scoundrels, all!"

How would you describe your ideal lover?

"Love! 'Twas he gave Women first their craft, their art of deluding! Out of Nature's hands they came, plain, open, silly, and fit for servants, as Nature and Heaven intended them. But damned Love! Well, I must strangle that little monster whilst I can deal with him!"

What do you dream of, sir?

"A pure, innocent, silly, ignorant, domesticated, controlled, lovely, precious, and... nay, stop recording I say! Get out of mine presence. Dreaming is the Devil's playground! For in sleep there are dreams, and I wake to fight licentiousness in the cities, perversion in the boroughs, and villainous vileness in the villas of the land.... Get thee behind me, Satan!"

Mrs. Margery Desdemona Pinchwife

Dame Pinchwife, madam, would you be so kind as to tell us a little about yourself?

"What, me? O', little old me, from the country village of Ffridd-Glynmerthyr. What do I know of the mysterious ways, alien machinations, and heady heads of the grand city? For I am frightened by its fast pace,... its tall towers touching the skies,... its... its large burly men who go up and down, in and out, through and around, over and over, in and out, in and out of my... oooooohhhh... uh... my, my view, that is, from the window of my chamber, in the noble house of my honorable husband.... Are you recording this?"

What are some of your "likes"?

"Romantic roses, dashing daffodils, luscious lilies, and any man with a huge, hefty, enormous, strong, long-lasting, unwieldy, unstoppable, pulsing, well-endowed bank account."

And your dislikes?

"What's to dislike, when I know of a man in possession of an enormous, unwieldy, unbelievable.... My apologies, what was the question again?"

How would you describe your ideal lover?

"Any man with a huge, strong, unstoppable, long-lasting.... did you not ask me this already?"

And what do you dream of, Mrs. Pinchwife?

"Giving my husband a heart attack; appropriating his wealth, commercial enterprises and estates; and eloping with my lover, my... ah yes, my sweet, dear,... sweet... dear.... dear...... sweeeeet...... deeeeaaaaaarrr....Mister......HORNER!!!.... OOOOOhhhhhh......

"Please be relieved of my presence, for I must, uh, retire to my chamber. Prithee, now!"